the social media beefs i’ve seen lately have been so fucking boring. i need a higher quality beef.
i really wanted a sandwich today. i went to the refrigerator at work. usually they keep the bread in there, even though it makes it go stale faster than if they were to leave it on the counter or in a cabinet. the only bread i found was multigrain. the bag wasn’t fully tied with the little plastic thing that looks like a miniature life vest. instead it was kind of half-heartedly folded on itself. inside the bag were two pieces of multigrain bread. two crust pieces, which would’ve been completely acceptable, except one of them looked distinctly as though someone had bitten it, and i couldn’t come up with a rationalization for why it might have looked that way except for that a human had taken a bite out of it.
in the freezer there was gluten-free bread. i happen to love gluten so i said ‘fuck that’ to the gluten-free turd log. there were so-called ‘everything’ bagels, that only have some things on them, but i went with the everything bagels.
i put my frozen everything bagel in the microwave and pressed ‘auto defrost’, which was a mistake. the microwave’s slow marquee said ‘1 for beef…….2 for chicken……..3 for fish………’ and maybe it said other things, but none of those things was ‘everything bagel’ so i pressed ‘defrost’ and that had no effect so i pressed ‘cancel’ and then i pressed ‘defrost’ and then it said ‘1 lb’. i had no idea how much a bagel weighed, so i pressed ‘start’.
i went on my phone while the bagel defrosted. when the micro beeped i took out the bagel. it was really hot. and mysteriously wet. i tried to cut it but the bagel just kind of smushed. it got really smushed. it became an ellipse.
i put the ellipse into the toaster. after a while it finished toasting. when the little toast elevator completely ascended, the now-toasted bagel ellipse was too deep for me to grab. i unplugged the toaster and then fished the bagel pieces out with a butter knife. i was pretty sure the knife was made of some non-conductive metal, but i just wanted to unplug the toaster in case.
i put some light hellmann’s and black forest ham on the ruined bagel. it tasted great.
i feel like i should be blogging
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